Sex and Healthy Relationships
Consent and sexual activity
Consent is: critical to any healthy sexual relationship. So it’s important to understand what it means and how it works.
Consent is making sure that both partners are willing, comfortable and enthusiastic about whatever sexual activity is taking place.
Consensual sex means you are both getting pleasure from the experience and feel safe and happy. This is true no matter how serious or casual the relationship is.
There are different ways of asking for consent before and during a sexual encounter:
Ask permission: "Can I do this?"
Ask what your partner wants: "What do you want to do?" or "Do you want to do it this way?"
Express a desire for something: "I would like to try this"
Check in with your partner: "Is this OK?" or "Do you like that?" or "Do you want to slow down?" or "Do you want to stop?"
Communicate every step of the way – don’t just assume your partner is comfortable with everything you’re doing. It’s OK to change your mind or only want to go so far. Enthusiastic consent doesn’t just happen once at the beginning of a sexual encounter - it should continue throughout the sexual activity.
Asking for consent is not just sexy or good manners - it is mandatory for any sexual activity. This includes kissing and touching.
Non-consensual sex is against the law.
Giving Consent
So what does it mean to give consent to sexual activity? A person must be:
Of legal age, i.e. either 16 or 17 years of age depending on which Australian state you’re in (also, in New South Wales, Victoria, Western Australia, South Australia and the Northern Territory it is illegal for a person in a supervisory role [e.g. teacher, foster parent, guardian, religious leader, medical practitioner or employer] to have sex with a person in their care aged 16 or 17 years)
Able to understand what they are consenting to
Able to consent willingly, i.e. not be threatened, bribed, tricked or forced to consent
Of able mind, i.e. not drunk or heavily influenced by drugs
Fully conscious, i.e. not passed out or asleep
Able to withdraw consent at any time. Even if you are half way through sexual activity, you can still withdraw your consent and say no
Adapted from the Kids Helpline
Asking someone for consent and understanding when they do and don’t give it isn’t hard.
In fact, it’s as simple as making a cup of tea: Watch the consent and tea video below to find out more.
What does consent NOT look like?
If your partner doesn’t respect your refusal to sexual activity - if they react negatively; pressure or guilt you into saying ‘yes’; say you owe them; or ignore you and continue to engage - then they are not someone it is safe to be around.
For more information on consent, see the Love Is Respect website.
Sexual interactions in healthy relationships
Whether you and another person are going to engage in any sexual activity is an entirely personal decision. It is your right to decide if and when you want to have sexual interactions, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship is.
Just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean you have to have sex. If the other person makes you feel that you must have sex in order to keep them interested, then this is not healthy – it’s abusive.
Talk with your partner about your expectations. If you are not sure whether you want to have sex but your partner is interested, then this is something you should discuss and agree on as to how your relationship will develop. They might agree not to have sex or you may decide to wait a while before having sex or maybe you both decide to end the relationship. Whatever you decide, make sure you’re comfortable with the decision.
Your unique background, culture and values will shape how you view sexual interactions.
The same goes for your partner. It is important that you both respect each other’s values or beliefs when it comes to sexual activity. For example, some cultures view sex as an activity reserved for marriage. If you and your partner have different views on sexual interactions, discuss these and openly communicate about how to work through these. At the end of the day, do what is comfortable for you and works with your beliefs and values.
You should never have sex if you don't want to. If you have a healthy relationship, your partner will accept your decision about sex, even if they don't like it
If you and your partner do engage in sexual activity, you jointly get to decide what you want to experiment with. So it’s important to have boundaries and if relevant, a safe word. Respect that your partner may decide they don’t want to continue doing what you are doing or that they don’t want to do it in the first place. This is perfectly valid and everyone has the right to decide for themselves what sexual interactions they have.
It’s not okay for you or your partner to do something that the other person did not agree to or want. This is a form of sexual abuse.
Communicating how you feel and what you want is the way to be sure that sex is fun and safe. You and your partner can try any new sexual activity with each other, as long as you both willingly consent and you both have the same expectations.
Stay Healthy!
Having a good sexual relationship includes maintaining physical health. If it’s a new relationship, it is important you both get tested for STI’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). These nasties can include herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhoea and HIV/AIDS. It is much easier and less painful to prevent an STI than it is to have one.
If you are having sex with someone and don’t know whether or not they have an STI, then ALWAYS use a condom. A condom is the only protection against STIs.
There are many myths about condoms, like they aren’t big enough for some men. This is false. A condom can expand big enough to put your foot in one. If a man tells you condoms don’t fit him, run the other way. If it’s not on, it’s not on.
In heterosexual relationships, one result of having sex can be pregnancy. Although not 100% foolproof, using contraception will greatly reduce your chances of becoming pregnant. There are many contraceptives for both men and women, and you get to decide which is right for you.
For more information on sex, sexual health, contraception and STIs, see:
Sexting and Texting
Sexting and texting intimate messages is common in modern relationships. It can be a way to build intimacy, particularly in long distance relationships. For you both to feel safe and trusting of each other, it’s important to set some clear boundaries.
What you feel comfortable with in person - you might not be comfortable with in text, video or phone conversations – and that’s OK. You and your partner should accept each other's boundaries and decide together whether or not this is something you want to do.
Before you send that intimate photo or text, there are some things to be aware of:
It's important that you are confident you can really trust someone before sending them sexualised images or video of yourself. Even though it is a crime to share images without someone's consent, once you've sent something, it's hard for you to know or control who it may be shared with or even how long that person will have your photos or video. Staying safe with sexting, texting and social media
Part of the fun of being in a relationship is learning about each other and the kind of intimacy you want together. If you have clearly established boundaries, then sexting can be a healthy way to build your relationship and have fun with your partner, even when they’re not with you.
Pornography
Pornography is easily accessible online and in print. As a result, many people are learning about sex from porn sites, porn videos or magazines. It is normal to be curious about sex. But what happens in pornography is not how sex or relationships actually work in reality.
Pornography is made for entertainment - it is not real life. Many people in pornography are actors paid to perform and look like they are enjoying themselves, even when they’re not.
Porn actors never talk about consent and almost never use condoms. They rarely show intimacy, like kissing or cuddling. Many porn actors have altered their appearance and porn scenes tend to be heavily choreographed. It is common to see violence and aggression in pornography, usually by men dominating women. Also, most porn is produced with a male consumer in mind.
Watching a lot of porn or using only porn to learn about sex can lead to unrealistic expectations about normal sexual behaviour or even what people look like. You can feel under pressure to engage in sexual acts seen on-screen that you’re not comfortable with.
In reality, sex in intimate, caring relationships can be so much better than what is shown in pornographic material.
Accessing pornography in itself is not necessarily bad. Just remember:
You should not feel pressured to watch or access pornography - it is your decision to consent or not
Most porn has been choreographed and airbrushed - it isn’t real
You can select more ethically produced porn sites
Limit the amount of porn you watch and how often you watch it
It is illegal to send, receive or share pornographic images or videos which involve people under the age of 18 years - this is child pornography
(Adapted from What do young people need to know about porn)
For more information about pornography, see: